Trump's test for immigrants - found in a a time warp

 Immigrant Admission Test

1. My most admired contemporary world leader is:
A. Osama Bin Laden
B. The Ayatollah Khomeini
C. Saddam Hussein
D. Donald J. Trump
E. Momar Khadaffi

2. My religious leader of choice is:
A. Mohammed
B. Buddha
C. Moses
D. Jesus
E. Satan

3. If I were a terrorist, what kind of terrorist would I be?
A. Suicide bomber
B. Mass shooter
C. Plane hijacker
D. Not a terrorist - I love everybody
E. Poison the water supply

4. My favorite Bible verse is:
A. It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Gates of Heaven
B. Thou shalt not bear false witness
C. Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the Earth
D. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.
E. Give away your belongings to the poor and follow me.

5. The best thing about America is:
A. Great health care for everybody
B. Tolerance for all kinds of races and religions
C. Disney World
D. Can work in Trump hotels cleaning toilets for less than minimum wage
E. McDonald's

TrumpSpin

   I think it is only fair to let Donald J. Trump speak for himself, so here is an excerpt from a piece in the Washington Post where he was asked a 5th grade history question about  Lincoln's greatest accomplishment:  "Well, I think Lincoln succeeded for numerous reasons. He was a man who was of great intelligence, which most presidents would be, but he was also a man that did something that was a very vital thing to do at that time. Ten years before or 20 years before, what he was doing would never have even been thought possible. So he did something that was a very important thing to do, and especially at that time." 

   TrumpSpin is a method of taking any question, running it through the orange crush blender that is Trump's brain and spitting out something that sounds good to Trump. Just for fun, I remember a classic nonsense phrase "The Gostak Distims the Doshes." Let's run it in TrumpSpin: "Well I'm glad you asked that question because it has really huge implications for America in the future. I'll assure you that in a Trump Administration, the Gostak will be free to distim without any pesky regulations about the pollution that his distimming causes. Also, the Doshes will not need to worry about Mexicans and Muslims taking away their rights to be distimmed. It will be the new Golden Age of America for the Gostak, the Doshes and all of the American people."

Ich fergessen

When Romney was a teenager he led an attack on a fellow student that was so egregious that it haunted all of the other participants for decades. However, the chief perpetrator here doesn't remember a thing about it. When he finally got around to talking about it he was giggling. Anyone who has ever been the bullied party would not get a laugh out of an act that could well be considered domestic terrorism. There are different rules for the rich and privileged.

Smarmney

Just taking a few seconds out to coin this nickname in Google. As a died in the wool Democrat, the game we play is "Which Republican would make you less suicidal if he won?" My problem with Romney is that he reminds me of an animated Ken doll. Every time he opens his mouth it reminds you of the time George Bush Sr. went shopping at Penney's so he could pretend to be normal for the cameras. Phoniness just flows out like artificial honey. Then there is Gingrich who I absolutely despise. Santorum is scary because he absolutely believes this nonsense. As for Ron Paul - thanks for being against the wars like me. Sorry you feel the way you do about minorities. Stay healthy, Obama.

Hometown Blues

I was back in Phoenix for my dad's 90th birthday family reunion Friday night. That left me with Saturday free, so I made plans to take a photographic expedition, starting with Wickenburg (the town where my parents were married in 1942). The expedition was the brainchild of my old friend from college days on, Ken St. Andre.

I am the instigator of Ken's four decade run at the Phoenix Public Library. I told him before the interview to keep two things in mind. In any situational question, always answer in a way that shows that you support higher authority. Secondly, I knew they would ask him if he knows anyone at the library. "Under now circumstances tell them that you know me." Somewhere along the way we even published a book together called Blundering Blades - a collection of stories about our adventures in the past meeting up with Conan and various evil wizards. If you own one of the ten copies in existence, all I can say is "sorry."

Now that Ken is retired, he has time for more ambitious meetups than just going out for breakfast. For my part of the expedition, I supplied transportation and made a couple of CDs inspired by the concept of high adventure in Arizona. This included Steve Earle's Hometown Blues, Robert Hunter's Boys in the Barroom, the Dropkick Murphys Wild Rover and Jerry Garcia's Old and in the Way. I saw on the map that there was a town called Nothing, AZ about an hour past Wickenburg.

When I picked Ken up he had added his son Cory to the expedition, which brought the median age in the car down below 50. We decided to breakfast in Wickenburg and then go on to find Nothing. Breakfast was great, but then I took the western highway instead of the northwest road to Williams. By the time we realized it, we were in Salome, so we poked around and photographed a few desolate spots before heading to the interstate for a quick ride home.

When I got back, I found that I had accidentally run the video part of my camera when it was in my pocket, and it managed to erase most of my Wickenburg shots, so I will have to declare Ken the 'King of Wickenburg" until the next time I'm out. I'm still happy with the Salome shots for the most part, so that will have to do for now. Meantime, go check out Ken at http://atroll.wordpress.com/2011/06/05/a-five-hawk-day/#comments A more complete collection of photos can be found at http://upload.pbase.com/edit_gallery/terryballard/wickenburgsalome . See Steve Earle's Hometown blues at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1sLEJ6RUOI

Arizona - America's Hate State

My home state has finally gone off the deep end. After acting to solve the main problem in the state, not enough guns, they have enacted a law setting up a breathtaking program to create a racial profile police state. My mother is mad at me for talking like a New Yorker, but even she admits that this law will not solve any of the real problems of the state. I'm so embarassed at this that I'm tempted to rewrite my autobiography and claim that I'm really from New Mexico. I hope that during the time that Arizona is taking a good hard look at this that people will take note that PetSmart, U-Haul and Motorola have their headquarters in Arizona.

Save the Martini and the salted peanut

There is an otherwise excellent seafood restaurant in my Long Island town of Merrick that has a vast selection of specialty "Martinis." When I was growing up, a Martini meant one thing - a drink that was 80% gin or vodka and 20% vermouth. At this restaurant (and many others I've seen lately) there are Apple Martinis, Chocolate Martinis, Pomegranite Martinis, Pineapple Martinis and Cranberry Martinis- it's enough to make James Bond cry. These are not Martini's - these are drinks for wimps who are kidding themselves. They want the sophistication of drinking a Martini but the reassurance of drinking something made with pineapple juice. I'd support a class-action lawsuit to take the name back.

Salted peanuts. The major grocery chains in Long Island (Super Stop N Shop and King Kullen) have got together and decided for us that we the customers do not need Salted in the Shell Peanuts. In the past year I've seen them go from hard to find to impossible. Stop N Shop in particular has a selection of 5 different kinds of unsalted peanuts in the shell. After this morning's trip to the King Kullen in Bellmore, I decided that I've had it. I went to a web site in Virginia and bought a five pound bag - enough to see us through the winter. This is a technique I learned in the waning days of record stores.

What's new?

The hardest thing in the world is coming up with a new term that has not made its way into Google. The other day when we were listening to the Pope's journey to New York we said that photographers who followed the Pope could be called Poparazzi. Funny, yes. Original, no. There are nearly 1 million hits for that in Google. Here is a similar form that will be coined by me - a photographer who specializes in shooting recently arrested people - Perporazzi. Ouch. It will be in Google by 5PM.

Signs of the times

We were driving my son home Sunday from Long Island to Flushing Queens, when he noticed a sign over the road warning that the area around Yankee Stadium was congested and you should take mass transit. "Why is that," he asked. "The Yanks are playing on the road."

"The Pope has the home game today."

Pause. "Oh. I guess that's why they want you to take Mass transit."

Sound of groaning.

Bomb Bomb Bomb Bomb Iran

Had to go to war
Even up the score
Now the troups are sore
Dont know what they're fightin for

"Bomb Iran bomb bomb bomb Iran"

"Cause I didnt know a thing
Muktat Sadr became king

Bomb iran etc

Went to Iraq
Musta been on crack
Had the first attack
But I found that they fight back

Bomb Iran etc

Thought it 'd end with cheers
But its been five years
Now I'll face my fears
With a jury of my peers

Bomb Iran etc
Rootin' for McCain
He's totally insane
John's channeling my brain
And Iran is his new game.

Bomb Iran...ad infinitum

Courtesy of Donna Ballard

If these things ring a bell, you probably grew up in the 1950's

Harold Stassen, Hula Hoops, Fizzies, Fruit Loops,
Howdy Doody, Flavr Straws, Integrated Arkansas,
Perry Como, James Dean, John Wayne on the movie screen,
Splish Splash, Pinky Lee, Pat Boone and Sandra Dee.
Ricky Nelson, Sputnik, Sixteen tons and Beatniks,
Davy Crockett, Disneyland, A-bombs and Tommy Sands,
Buddy Holly, Damn dolls, George Reeves takes a fall,
3d glasses, Get a Job, Outer space, Beware the Blob,
Mort Sahl, Food to go, Kukla Fran and Ollie show,
Kingston Trio, Real McCoys, Slip N Slides and plastic toys,
Duck and cover, Patti Page, Kerouac is all the rage,
TV dinners, Billy Graham, Ben Hogan' s Grand Slam,
Harry Truman, Red Scare, China and the Russian Bear.
Liberace, Rat Pack, Eisenhower's heart attack,
Rosenbergs, Queen for a day, Edward Murrow saves the day.
Rebel without a cause, Dixicratic voting laws,
Yogi Berra, Salk Vaccine, Annette is our favorite teen,
Elvis, 7 samurai, Bridge on the river Kwai,
Miles Davis, Psycho, Casey Stengel, Vertigo,
Itsy bitsy teeny weenie yellow polka dot bikini,
Goldwater, Rabbit ears, Etch-a-sketch, Mousekateers,
Big Bopper, Lois Lane, Charlie Parker, Frankie Laine,
Sartre asked the reasons why, Old Yeller made us cry,
Perry Mason, Rawhide, Albert Einstein up and died,
Joe McCarthy, Wax lips, Nixon's Venezuela trip,
Khruschev, Charlie Brown, Coasters, On the Town,
Roy Cohn, Warren Court, Kinsey puts out his report.
Jack Paar, Bandstand, Look ma, no hands,
Gary Powers, Nielsen rates, US brings in two new states.
Brylreem, Rock and roll, Cinderella, Gallup Poll,
On 77 Sunset Strip, Kookie is the one that's hip,
Richie Valens, Gary Bonds, Pink flamingoes on the lawn,
Uncle Miltie, Wagon train, Kelly singin in the rain,
Cinderella, Dr. Spock, Haley rocks around the clock,
Gunsmoke, High Noon, Hardy boys and gold doubloons
Lassie, Rin Tin Tin, Take your hotrod for a spin,
Dragnet, Just the facts, TV dinners on the rack,
Sid Ceasar, Beat the clock, Dick Tracy's wristwatch.






That cleared out some rusty synapses. I'll add more later - verses, that is.

Give war a chance

Ev'rybody's talkin' 'bout Terrorism, 9-11, Fascism, Bushisms, Ragism, Tagism
This-ism, that-ism, ism ism ism
All we are saying is give war a chanceAll we are saying is give war a chance

(C'mon)Ev'rybody's talkin' 'bout Bill O'reilly, Limbaugh, Coulter and Malkin,
Plamegate, Abramoff, Larry Craig, Laugh it off,
All we are saying is give war a chance
All we are saying is give war a chance

(Let me tell you now)
Ev'rybody's talkin' 'bout Condoleeza, Waterboarding, Mass destruction, What is torture,
Insurrections, Allegations, Amputations, Immolations,
All we are saying is give war a chance
All we are saying is give war a chance

Ev'rybody's talkin' 'bout Blackrock, Tom Delay, Hillary, Giuliani, Tough on terror, Cut and run,
Clinton's errors, Haliburton, Vets are hurtin,
Here comes Victory, Here comes victory,
All we are saying is give war a chance
All we are saying is give war a chance(Repeat 'til Civilization runs out)

Joe Torre

Joe doesn't have to put up with this nonsense for another day. He's old enough to collect Social Security now, so he probably doesn't need the money. Seriously, he is one of the great class acts in baseball, and we will miss him terribly. I particularly enjoyed the snarky face-saving remarks by Hank Steinbrenner, "El Bossito." It's the kind of eloquence we've come to expect from people with that last name. I would like to propose that I'd manage the Yankees for 4 million if they asked me the right way. I'd be a bargain - the first Yankee manager to know the Dewey Decimal number for baseball.

On the wrong track - the Long Island Railroad

My son now has a job as a librarian in Queens, so he needs to take the LIRR to Jamaica every day until we get him his own apartment. Since he is mobility-impaired with cerebral palsy, he needs to take the last car so he can go right to the street and catch a bus. Yesterday, the last car was much further up the track, so he had to run. He shouted for someone to hold the door open because, sure enough, they were trying to leave without him. Some good Samaritan waiting for another train did that. When he complained to the conductor, the man just laughed and said "Well, I guess you made it."

I've been on all of the suburban train systems and the LIRR is, hands down, the worst. Filthy cars, delays, surly conductors, broken elevators - you name it. Now they are going to go through their annual ritual - raising the price of tickets and cutting service. The only cure for this system might be competition, but there is no hope for that. Suck it up, Long Island.

Iowa Primary song (to the tune of 'Kokomo')

Joe Biden, Kucenich, in it to the finish.
John Edwards, Obama, come on pretty mama
Wahpeton, Kalona baby wh'y dont we go
Down to Larrabee

Off the Interstate
Theres a place called Larrabee
Thats where you wanna be to get away from it all

All the jokes are bland
M&Ms melting in your hand
We'll be falling in love
To the rhythm of the high school band
Down in Larrabee

Urbana and Vinton, come on Mrs. Clinton
To West Union, Manchester come on pretty mama
Altoona and Rowan baby we'll be goin'

Ooo I wanna take you down to Larrabee
We'll get there slow
Then we'll pick up the speed
Thats where we wanna be
Way down in Larrabee

Well go to the prairie
Showin' off our new library
By and by we'll defy a little bit of gravitas

Afternoon delight
Corn dogs and moonlit nights
That dreamy look in your eye
Give me a midwestern contact high
Way down in Larrabee

Chris Dodd and Kucenich in it to the finish
Sioux City, Algona come on pretty mama
Paulina, Owasa baby why dont we go
Ooo I wanna take you down to Larrabee
Well get there slow
And then well pick up the speed
Thats where we wanna go
Way down to Larrabee

West Des Moines I'll eat a fresh pork loin.

Bill Richardson
Is just in it for the fun
And the chance to get away from it all
Way down in Larrabee

Mankato and Windom, Come on Mrs. Clinton
Sioux City, Algona come on pretty mama
baby why dont we go
Ooo I wanna take you down to Larrabee
Well get there slow
And then we'll take it up to speed
Thats where we wanna be
Way down to Larrabee


Apologies to the good people of Iowa - I've never personally been there. It's humor.

Luck of the Irish

On Saturday, I went to the city with my son and my mother-in-law. After a shopping and eating mission in Greenwich Village, we headed back to the train in the early afternoon. On the way home, I reached for my wallet at some point and noted that it felt oddly positioned, but didn't make any correction. When we got out of the train in Merrick, I felt for it and realized that the train was rolling out with my wallet left on the seat. I tried calling the LIRR, but it was Saturday, so you could only get recorded messages.

At home, I went to the phone book. There was a Lost and Found number listed for LIRR at Penn Station. When I got through, there was a recorded message saying that they just left. I called the Suffolk County office of LIRR, and finally got a human voice. A police clerk was sympathetic, and said she'd radio the people on the train to see if anything was found. When 45 minutes went by, I stopped waiting for that callback, and started researching the phone numbers I'd need to cancel everything.

My wife came home from work, and asked if I'd called my work voicemail. She reasoned that the driver's license would tell them I'm in Merrick, but they wouldn't find my listed number, so if they saw my business card, they'd call that. It turns out that this is just what happened. Somebody from Johnny McGorey's Irish Pub and Restaurant in Massapequa Park called to say that the wallet had been found on the train, took it in to work and turned it in to the bartended, who called me. The four of us rushed into the car, made the 15 minute drive, and ordered a giant plate of appetizers and Guinness. The waitress heard the story and called out the young man from the kitchen. Of course, rewards were given.

The irony of this turning up in an Irish pub was pretty good, since I run the Irish digitization projects at Quinnipiac University library. The food was great, so we'll be back lots of times in the future, and I'd urge other Long Islanders to do likewise.

I'm irritated - 2

I'm irritated with Volvo. The other night I was watching television and saw a commercial from Volvo, selling SUVs. As the announcer was purring "Safety for you, safety for your little ones" they showed the planet-destroying monstrosity zooming down empty roads, on the LEFT side. Umm, here in America it's proper to drive on the right side, but they are marketing these things to idiots, with the subtle message "Buy our SUV and you can just mow down anything in your path. None of the rules of society or human civilization apply to you."

I'm irritated

I'm irritated at Verizon. First of all, they have these commercials - "Can you hear me now?" We switched to Verizon two years ago because circumstances demanded it - my son's girlfriend had them and it was switch or pay $300 monthly bills. Then I get my new phone up to the room I rent near the university and find out I'm in a Verizon dead zone. Cingular worked there but not Verizon. I finally gave up and got a "Pay as you go phone from Cingular" and gave the Verizon phone to my wife for emergencies. No, Verizon, we can't hear you.

Now they are offering a new fiber-optic service in Merrick that has television, phone and internet packages. I got the ad in my bill. Great! Except that it's not in my part of Merrick. We haven't even got DSL yet. When I called Verizon about this, they patiently explained that we are in the part of Merrick that they don't care about. "I guess I'll just wait for DSL," I said. "No, we don't wire DSL anymore." So, an entire generation of internet service has come and gone while Verizon is not giving us service.

I'm also irritated at the grocery chain ShopRight. They had a store a few blocks away from us next to the WalMart. Years ago, they closed the store for "Renovations." I guess they wanted to get it right because it's been years now and they haven't done a thing. Now and then workmen will be there, but they have put up signs telling us that we can't ask the workmen any questions. Meantime, other stores in the shopping center have left. I wrote their web page a few pointed remarks, and they wrote back explaining that it isn't really their store. It's owned by a franchisee, whose identity they won't disclose, and that they "can't remodel the store because there are "Problems with the building," and they can't do something radical like fix them. They said that they will pass along my opinions that they are hurting our neighborhood and our property values to "Mr. X." I told Shopright that I will never spend another penny at any of their stores until they do something. Hopefully, they will sell this to a real grocery store like Stop and Shop.

On a similar note, let's talk about the local Post Office. A while back we went on a long trip and told the Post Office to hold our mail. Fortunately, our neighbor was alert because some days they held mail and some days they didn't. When I called the Merrick Post Office to complain about this, I was told something absolutely preposterous. "The mailmen don't like your route." It's too big or something. My Dad was a mailman for twenty years, and I never heard anything about how they give better service to routes they "like." They served everybody - rain, sleet, snow, etc., except it was Phoenix so it was pretty much just rain. For years we had two mail deliveries - the first one from the mail man and the second when we gave the wrongly-delivered items to our neighbors. Lately, we've been having pretty good service, so I guess the new mail man likes us.

I'm irritated at the state of handicapped parking passes in Long Island. They are handed out like aspirins to old people who walk better than I do. My son has cerebral palsy and actually is mobility-impaired. We went to Trader Joe's and Commerce Bank in Merrick yesterday, and found every handicapped spot taken, although you couldn't see anyone inside with the slightest problem. Commerce Bank was the best - they had exactly one handicapped spot at their Merrick Road location. We've actually been glared at for taking up a handicapped spot by old people who seem to be saying "You're not old enough for this spot." They're handicapped spots, not Elderly spots.

Man of the Year

Two weeks ago, Time Magazine called and told me that I was to be named Man of the Year. I thanked them, but suggested that they don't just concentrate on me, but give the award to All Bloggers out there in cyberspace. It's a good move. First of all, it's more fair. Secondly, if all the honorees go to the newsstand and pick up a copy, they will make a fortune.

In a similar vein, I just got a MySpace account a week or so ago, on the theory that I should try out all of the major things on the web. As soon as I joined, I got a note saying that I already had a friend. Wow! However, the excitement dropped just a bit when I found out that my friend was Tom, who works for MySpace, and is pretty much your automatic first friend. After 5 days, I still had no other friends. I was the most unpopular man on MySpace. I went shopping for discussion groups on MySpace, and I must say that they have a discussion for everything - I signed up in groups representing about 20 of my niche interests. Unfortunately, when I went to the groups and tried to participate in the discussions, I got a blank screen when I hit the reply button. This weas not the way to attract Cyberfriends.

Finally, yesterday, I got a note that Olga wanted to be my friend. I was so pleased that I instantly accepted her offer, and then went back to take a look at the sort of person who would want to be my friend. I was surprised to hear that Olga was a 22 year old in the midwest, looking for some serious adult fun and, just possibly, a permanent relationship. Oh. I guess she looked at my age and decided that it doesn't get more adult than me. I'm still waiting for friends to arrive, but in the meantime I can take comfort from the words of Steven Wright - "Hermits have no peer pressure."

Black Friday

i'm going to prove that I have psychic abilities. Tonight the big story on all of the news reports will be that people rushed to the malls in greater numbers than ever and spent all-time record amounts. Then, in about 10 days, we will start to hear reports that the Thanksgiving buying spree wasn't really all that great. Either I'm truly psychic or this same cycle plays out the same way every single year.

Not purely a curmudgeon, I did watch the parade in high definition yesterday and it looked glorious. True, the NBC broadcast had more than its share of plugs for new shows, so my family talked me into switching to CBS. It was in Low definition. They were plugging their shows without even showing the parade. This all lasted 30 seconds for me. To prove that I'm now in the holiday spirit, I opened my new 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle. Usually I finish this around Christmas or new years, but this one looks really hard.