Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Trump's test for immigrants - found in a a time warp

 Immigrant Admission Test

1. My most admired contemporary world leader is:
A. Osama Bin Laden
B. The Ayatollah Khomeini
C. Saddam Hussein
D. Donald J. Trump
E. Momar Khadaffi

2. My religious leader of choice is:
A. Mohammed
B. Buddha
C. Moses
D. Jesus
E. Satan

3. If I were a terrorist, what kind of terrorist would I be?
A. Suicide bomber
B. Mass shooter
C. Plane hijacker
D. Not a terrorist - I love everybody
E. Poison the water supply

4. My favorite Bible verse is:
A. It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Gates of Heaven
B. Thou shalt not bear false witness
C. Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the Earth
D. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.
E. Give away your belongings to the poor and follow me.

5. The best thing about America is:
A. Great health care for everybody
B. Tolerance for all kinds of races and religions
C. Disney World
D. Can work in Trump hotels cleaning toilets for less than minimum wage
E. McDonald's

Thursday, June 30, 2016


   I think it is only fair to let Donald J. Trump speak for himself, so here is an excerpt from a piece in the Washington Post where he was asked a 5th grade history question about  Lincoln's greatest accomplishment:  "Well, I think Lincoln succeeded for numerous reasons. He was a man who was of great intelligence, which most presidents would be, but he was also a man that did something that was a very vital thing to do at that time. Ten years before or 20 years before, what he was doing would never have even been thought possible. So he did something that was a very important thing to do, and especially at that time." 

   TrumpSpin is a method of taking any question, running it through the orange crush blender that is Trump's brain and spitting out something that sounds good to Trump. Just for fun, I remember a classic nonsense phrase "The Gostak Distims the Doshes." Let's run it in TrumpSpin: "Well I'm glad you asked that question because it has really huge implications for America in the future. I'll assure you that in a Trump Administration, the Gostak will be free to distim without any pesky regulations about the pollution that his distimming causes. Also, the Doshes will not need to worry about Mexicans and Muslims taking away their rights to be distimmed. It will be the new Golden Age of America for the Gostak, the Doshes and all of the American people."

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Ich fergessen

When Romney was a teenager he led an attack on a fellow student that was so egregious that it haunted all of the other participants for decades. However, the chief perpetrator here doesn't remember a thing about it. When he finally got around to talking about it he was giggling. Anyone who has ever been the bullied party would not get a laugh out of an act that could well be considered domestic terrorism. There are different rules for the rich and privileged.

Thursday, January 19, 2012


Just taking a few seconds out to coin this nickname in Google. As a died in the wool Democrat, the game we play is "Which Republican would make you less suicidal if he won?" My problem with Romney is that he reminds me of an animated Ken doll. Every time he opens his mouth it reminds you of the time George Bush Sr. went shopping at Penney's so he could pretend to be normal for the cameras. Phoniness just flows out like artificial honey. Then there is Gingrich who I absolutely despise. Santorum is scary because he absolutely believes this nonsense. As for Ron Paul - thanks for being against the wars like me. Sorry you feel the way you do about minorities. Stay healthy, Obama.

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

Hometown Blues

I was back in Phoenix for my dad's 90th birthday family reunion Friday night. That left me with Saturday free, so I made plans to take a photographic expedition, starting with Wickenburg (the town where my parents were married in 1942). The expedition was the brainchild of my old friend from college days on, Ken St. Andre.

I am the instigator of Ken's four decade run at the Phoenix Public Library. I told him before the interview to keep two things in mind. In any situational question, always answer in a way that shows that you support higher authority. Secondly, I knew they would ask him if he knows anyone at the library. "Under now circumstances tell them that you know me." Somewhere along the way we even published a book together called Blundering Blades - a collection of stories about our adventures in the past meeting up with Conan and various evil wizards. If you own one of the ten copies in existence, all I can say is "sorry."

Now that Ken is retired, he has time for more ambitious meetups than just going out for breakfast. For my part of the expedition, I supplied transportation and made a couple of CDs inspired by the concept of high adventure in Arizona. This included Steve Earle's Hometown Blues, Robert Hunter's Boys in the Barroom, the Dropkick Murphys Wild Rover and Jerry Garcia's Old and in the Way. I saw on the map that there was a town called Nothing, AZ about an hour past Wickenburg.

When I picked Ken up he had added his son Cory to the expedition, which brought the median age in the car down below 50. We decided to breakfast in Wickenburg and then go on to find Nothing. Breakfast was great, but then I took the western highway instead of the northwest road to Williams. By the time we realized it, we were in Salome, so we poked around and photographed a few desolate spots before heading to the interstate for a quick ride home.

When I got back, I found that I had accidentally run the video part of my camera when it was in my pocket, and it managed to erase most of my Wickenburg shots, so I will have to declare Ken the 'King of Wickenburg" until the next time I'm out. I'm still happy with the Salome shots for the most part, so that will have to do for now. Meantime, go check out Ken at http://atroll.wordpress.com/2011/06/05/a-five-hawk-day/#comments A more complete collection of photos can be found at http://upload.pbase.com/edit_gallery/terryballard/wickenburgsalome . See Steve Earle's Hometown blues at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1sLEJ6RUOI

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Arizona - America's Hate State

My home state has finally gone off the deep end. After acting to solve the main problem in the state, not enough guns, they have enacted a law setting up a breathtaking program to create a racial profile police state. My mother is mad at me for talking like a New Yorker, but even she admits that this law will not solve any of the real problems of the state. I'm so embarassed at this that I'm tempted to rewrite my autobiography and claim that I'm really from New Mexico. I hope that during the time that Arizona is taking a good hard look at this that people will take note that PetSmart, U-Haul and Motorola have their headquarters in Arizona.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Save the Martini and the salted peanut

There is an otherwise excellent seafood restaurant in my Long Island town of Merrick that has a vast selection of specialty "Martinis." When I was growing up, a Martini meant one thing - a drink that was 80% gin or vodka and 20% vermouth. At this restaurant (and many others I've seen lately) there are Apple Martinis, Chocolate Martinis, Pomegranite Martinis, Pineapple Martinis and Cranberry Martinis- it's enough to make James Bond cry. These are not Martini's - these are drinks for wimps who are kidding themselves. They want the sophistication of drinking a Martini but the reassurance of drinking something made with pineapple juice. I'd support a class-action lawsuit to take the name back.

Salted peanuts. The major grocery chains in Long Island (Super Stop N Shop and King Kullen) have got together and decided for us that we the customers do not need Salted in the Shell Peanuts. In the past year I've seen them go from hard to find to impossible. Stop N Shop in particular has a selection of 5 different kinds of unsalted peanuts in the shell. After this morning's trip to the King Kullen in Bellmore, I decided that I've had it. I went to a web site in Virginia and bought a five pound bag - enough to see us through the winter. This is a technique I learned in the waning days of record stores.